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Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.
Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.
 
Just one day after signing the richest contract in baseball history, Shohei Ohtani has reportedly begun having second thoughts about the Dodgers after meeting his new hitting coaches.
Just one day after signing the richest contract in baseball history, Shohei Ohtani has reportedly begun having second thoughts about the Dodgers after meeting his new hitting coaches.
 
Baseball superstar Shohei Ohtani signed a record-shattering $700 million contract today with the Los Angeles Dodgers, which will net him about 58 bucks after taxes.
Baseball superstar Shohei Ohtani signed a record-shattering $700 million contract today with the Los Angeles Dodgers, which will net him about 58 bucks after taxes.
 
It's something that's been debated by Bible scholars since the Earth was created some 6,023 years ago: what will the Mark of the Beast mentioned in the book of Revelation turn out to be?
It's something that's been debated by Bible scholars since the Earth was created some 6,023 years ago: what will the Mark of the Beast mentioned in the book of Revelation turn out to be?
 
The Reese's cups have all been eaten and another Halloween is in the books — meaning it's time for The Babylon Bee's roundup of the scariest costumes we saw in 2023! Read on -- if you dare:
The Reese's cups have all been eaten and another Halloween is in the books — meaning it's time for The Babylon Bee's roundup of the scariest costumes we saw in 2023! Read on -- if you dare:
 
The House GOP plan to offset $14.3 billion in aid for Israel by slashing the same amount of funds meant for the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) would add to the federal deficit, according to a new analysis.
The House GOP plan to offset $14.3 billion in aid for Israel by slashing the same amount of funds meant for the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) would add to the federal deficit, according to a new analysis.
 
(Continued from headline) Trump calling Charlottesville neo-nazis "fine people," COVID-19 vaccine effectiveness, Bubba Wallace garage noose, Trump telling people to inject themselves with bleach
(Continued from headline) Trump calling Charlottesville neo-nazis "fine people," COVID-19 vaccine effectiveness, Bubba Wallace garage noose, Trump telling people to inject themselves with bleach
 
After being swept by the Diamondbacks in humiliating fashion, the Los Angeles Dodgers were left wondering if perhaps they ought to have spent more time practicing baseball and less time honoring Satanic nuns dressed in drag.
After being swept by the Diamondbacks in humiliating fashion, the Los Angeles Dodgers were left wondering if perhaps they ought to have spent more time practicing baseball and less time honoring Satanic nuns dressed in drag.
 
Did you know that you might be gay and not even know it? It's true! We've consulted with experts in psychology and sodomy to help you identify the telltale signs that you are a closet homosexual.
Did you know that you might be gay and not even know it? It's true! We've consulted with experts in psychology and sodomy to help you identify the telltale signs that you are a closet homosexual.
 
Local straight man, husband, and father of three Lyle Flann locked himself in his room to secretly enjoy Pitch Perfect again, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Local straight man, husband, and father of three Lyle Flann locked himself in his room to secretly enjoy Pitch Perfect again, sources confirmed Wednesday.
 
In an inspiring international gesture in honor of Pride Month, the frozen corpses of climbers on Mount Everest have been heavily decorated to reflect the celebration's rainbow theme.
In an inspiring international gesture in honor of Pride Month, the frozen corpses of climbers on Mount Everest have been heavily decorated to reflect the celebration's rainbow theme.
 
Williams is teaming up with a Catholic app for a prayer challenge the same day the Dodgers honor the drag group
 
In a decision viewed as yet another part of the logical progression of the team's descent into otherworldly evil, the Los Angeles Dodgers have announced the team will replace the traditional 7th-Inning Stretch and its accompanying singing of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
In a decision viewed as yet another part of the logical progression of the team's descent into otherworldly evil, the Los Angeles Dodgers have announced the team will replace the traditional 7th-Inning Stretch and its accompanying singing of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
 
After decades of total dominance, the Dallas Cowboys have been dethroned by the Los Angeles Dodgers as the gayest team in all of sports.
After decades of total dominance, the Dallas Cowboys have been dethroned by the Los Angeles Dodgers as the gayest team in all of sports.
 
A large group of demonstrators protested the Los Angeles Dodgers honoring a drag troupe of self-described “queer and trans nuns” on Friday.
A large group of demonstrators protested the Los Angeles Dodgers honoring a drag troupe of self-described “queer and trans nuns” on Friday.
 
In an effort to further smooth things over following the controversial decision to re-invite LGBTQ+ activist group Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, the Los Angeles Dodgers have now summoned Satan himself to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at Pride Night.
In an effort to further smooth things over following the controversial decision to re-invite LGBTQ+ activist group Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, the Los Angeles Dodgers have now summoned Satan himself to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at Pride Night.
 
Three Christian organizations will host a prayer vigil on the west steps of the California state Capitol in Sacramento on Monday as a member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence is honored inside by elected officials.
Three Christian organizations will host a prayer vigil on the west steps of the California state Capitol in Sacramento on Monday as a member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence is honored inside by elected officials.
 
Outspoken Christian and NBA star Jonathan Isaac is taking another stand against the leftist narratives sweeping the United States by launching a new sports and apparel company founded on the tenets of the love of God and country.
Outspoken Christian and NBA star Jonathan Isaac is taking another stand against the leftist narratives sweeping the United States by launching a new sports and apparel company founded on the tenets of the love of God and country.
 
Finally, multiple Roman Catholic bishops are fighting back against the Los Angeles Dodgers’ sacrilegious decision to re-invite a group of deviant drag queen “nuns” to its Pride Night in June.
Finally, multiple Roman Catholic bishops are fighting back against the Los Angeles Dodgers’ sacrilegious decision to re-invite a group of deviant drag queen “nuns” to its Pride Night in June.
 
"Our primary purpose in doing this is not to make them hurt financially, but to not participate in evil."
"Our primary purpose in doing this is not to make them hurt financially, but to not participate in evil."
 
Have you ever looked at the Biden administration, and thought, “Where does the president find these people?” Well, apparently he finds them in the streets of American cities mocking the Roman Catholic Church.
Have you ever looked at the Biden administration, and thought, “Where does the president find these people?” Well, apparently he finds them in the streets of American cities mocking the Roman Catholic Church.
 
Baseball fans couldn’t be pleased to learn that New York‘s Department of Transportation misspelled the name of Jackie Robinson Parkway, accidentally writing the Hall of Famer’s first name as “Jakie.”
Baseball fans couldn’t be pleased to learn that New York‘s Department of Transportation misspelled the name of Jackie Robinson Parkway, accidentally writing the Hall of Famer’s first name as “Jakie.”
 
Mr. Raymond Harvey “Rusty” Carrow, age 88, a resident of Carrow Lane, Chocowinity, died Thursday, February 23, 2023, at his home.
Mr. Raymond Harvey “Rusty” Carrow, age 88, a resident of Carrow Lane, Chocowinity, died Thursday, February 23, 2023, at his home.
 
The Houston Astros have won the 2022 World Series, defeating the Philadelphia Phillies four games to two by a final score of 4 to 1.
The Houston Astros have won the 2022 World Series, defeating the Philadelphia Phillies four games to two by a final score of 4 to 1.
 
By signing the Inflation Reduction Act, President Biden is delivering on his promise to build an economy that works for working families. President Biden is the most pro-worker, pro-union President in history, and the Inflation Reduction Act builds on that legacy.
By signing the Inflation Reduction Act, President Biden is delivering on his promise to build an economy that works for working families. President Biden is the most pro-worker, pro-union President in history, and the Inflation Reduction Act builds on that legacy.
 
America's beloved comedian, the late Milton Berle, once told this story.
America's beloved comedian, the late Milton Berle, once told this story.
 
Through one of Donald Trump’s final acts as president, former N.C. Republican Party chairman Robin Hayes became one of the most prominent North Carolinians to receive a presidential pardon.
Through one of Donald Trump’s final acts as president, former N.C. Republican Party chairman Robin Hayes became one of the most prominent North Carolinians to receive a presidential pardon.
 
Remarks by President Trump Welcoming the 2018 World Series Champions Boston Red Sox
 
The American Character is reflected in Those we Elect or Don't Elect
The American Character is reflected in Those we Elect or Don't Elect
 
I've had my disagreements with Duke Energy, both historically and recently. But the company got a bum rap in a new story stumbling its way through media circles: that Duke Energy uses abusive tax loopholes to avoid paying its fair share of federal income taxes.
I've had my disagreements with Duke Energy, both historically and recently. But the company got a bum rap in a new story stumbling its way through media circles: that Duke Energy uses abusive tax loopholes to avoid paying its fair share of federal income taxes.
 
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