Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.
Published: Tuesday, March 26th, 2024 @ 12:22 am
By: Babylon Bee
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First official report documenting sexual atrocities committed by Hamas reveals widespread rape, violent attacks directed on sexual organs
Published: Sunday, March 3rd, 2024 @ 12:49 pm
By: Daily Wire
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According to The New York Times, Israel intelligence has concluded that 32 of the remaining 136 Israeli hostages held by Hamas are dead.
Published: Friday, February 9th, 2024 @ 5:23 am
By: Daily Wire
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“Grandma, how did mom die?”
Published: Thursday, February 1st, 2024 @ 3:04 pm
By: Daily Wire
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A catastrophic tragedy has befallen the former socialist utopia of Argentina as 1 billion citizens have already died due to Libertarian candidate Javier Milei being elected president.
Published: Saturday, January 27th, 2024 @ 10:07 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A New Hampshire man has been arrested for threatening to “blow” the “brains out” of a presidential candidate, according to the Justice Department.
Published: Monday, January 1st, 2024 @ 11:00 pm
By: Daily Wire
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CHAPPAQUA, NY — On Wednesday, a group of concerned neighbors nervously approached the old Clinton house and asked if there were any plans to put "all the dead bodies away."
Published: Sunday, December 24th, 2023 @ 8:25 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called out women’s groups and human rights groups on Tuesday over their silence about Hamas’ brutal, sadistic sexual violence against Israeli women.
Published: Saturday, December 23rd, 2023 @ 9:40 am
By: Daily Wire
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According to first responders, a member of the undead community has starved to death after lumbering around Capitol Hill in search of brains for several weeks and finding none.
Published: Saturday, December 23rd, 2023 @ 8:25 am
By: Babylon Bee
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A U.S. official said this week that one of the reasons that Hamas terrorists ended negotiations for releasing more hostages is that the terrorist organization does not want to release female hostages because those hostages are then going to reveal what Hamas did to them.
Published: Thursday, December 21st, 2023 @ 11:35 am
By: Daily Wire
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Witness: She had "the face of an angel"
Published: Thursday, December 21st, 2023 @ 10:00 am
By: Daily Wire
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The award for best costume at this year's Senate Halloween Social was all but a foregone conclusion, as all of Senator John Fetterman's colleagues almost unanimously recognized him on his outstanding Frankenstein costume.
Published: Thursday, December 21st, 2023 @ 9:52 am
By: Babylon Bee
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With the first Biden impeachment inquiry underway, Democrats reprimanded Republicans for pouncing on a decent old man, insisting the impeachment was just a waste of time because Biden would probably be dead in a few weeks anyway.
Published: Saturday, November 25th, 2023 @ 5:48 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Buta Biberaj as well as the rest of the remaining Loudoun County school board members voted out of office
Published: Thursday, November 23rd, 2023 @ 12:27 pm
By: Daily Wire
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British television host John Oliver, who became an American citizen in 2019, ripped America for supporting Israel, prompting actor-comedian Jon Lovitz to blast him with some facts and ask God to bless America for its support of the Jewish state.
Published: Thursday, November 23rd, 2023 @ 10:12 am
By: Daily Wire
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Yale’s campus newspaper, the Yale Daily News, the oldest college daily in the United States, removed claims from a column in its paper saying Hamas raped women and beheaded men in its murderous attack on Israel October 7, saying they were “unsubstantiated claims.”
Published: Tuesday, November 14th, 2023 @ 11:06 pm
By: Daily Wire
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Israeli-American professor Shai Davidai took to X on Monday to double down on a recent video calling out his own university’s president and others for failing to condemn the horrific attacks committed by Hamas terrorists against Israeli civilians on October 7.
Published: Wednesday, November 8th, 2023 @ 6:03 pm
By: Daily Wire
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Long-time congressional aide Mark Mathis has been tasked with slowly pushing a cart through the halls of congress to collect the dead bodies.
Published: Wednesday, September 27th, 2023 @ 1:01 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In an unexpected turn of events, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has rocketed to the top of polls for the 2024 Democratic Party nomination for president after suffering what appeared to be a stroke in the middle of a press conference yesterday.
Published: Tuesday, September 26th, 2023 @ 11:30 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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What began as a beautiful summer weekend in the popular Rehoboth Beach community collapsed into confusion and terror as the local police department was called to investigate a corpse that apparently washed up on the beach.
Published: Sunday, September 10th, 2023 @ 10:47 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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In an inspiring international gesture in honor of Pride Month, the frozen corpses of climbers on Mount Everest have been heavily decorated to reflect the celebration's rainbow theme.
Published: Sunday, July 30th, 2023 @ 8:39 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Interstellar peace talks broke down Wednesday after Pentagon officials were unable to adequately explain the intricacies of all 437 Earth genders to aliens from outer space.
Published: Monday, July 17th, 2023 @ 7:55 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Tragedy has dealt the media and entertainment industries a devastating blow, as the death toll of journalists and celebrities continues to rise rapidly in the wake of losing their blue checks on Twitter.
Published: Sunday, May 28th, 2023 @ 1:41 pm
By: Babylon Bee
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Yes, life begins at 40. But 50 is the new 40. And 70 is the new 60, they now say.
Published: Friday, May 19th, 2023 @ 4:59 pm
By: Daily Wire
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Over the last few months, roughly two dozen whale corpses have washed up on the Atlantic Coast of the United States.
Published: Saturday, March 4th, 2023 @ 12:31 pm
By: Daily Wire
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Seattle Public School District officials filed a lawsuit Friday against social media platform owners, including Facebook, TikTok, and others, for allegedly intentionally cultivating and creating a mental health crisis among the youth.
Published: Saturday, January 14th, 2023 @ 9:30 am
By: Daily Wire
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The Associated Press Stylebook sets the usage and grammatical format for hundreds of news agencies, laying out style and terms in an alphabetized book several hundred pages long.
Published: Tuesday, December 13th, 2022 @ 9:53 am
By: Daily Wire
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A Michigan man who pleaded guilty to murder and the mutilation of a dead body will spend the rest of his life in prison.
Published: Tuesday, November 15th, 2022 @ 6:55 am
By: Daily Wire
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Midway through his debate against Dr. Oz this week, the Democratic candidate for Pennsylvania's open Senate seat issued a heated reminder that "Fetterman" was the name of the scientist who created him and not his own name.
Published: Thursday, November 3rd, 2022 @ 6:18 am
By: Babylon Bee
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In promising news for murderers everywhere, the results of a new study indicate the month of October is the perfect time to bury a dead body in your own front yard.
Published: Wednesday, October 19th, 2022 @ 6:49 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Americans began to worry as the White House hosted a star-studded party with the theme, "We Are Not Currently Being Nuked By China." Guests included the Property Brothers, television actor Elizabeth Warren and the corpse of James Taylor.
Published: Monday, September 26th, 2022 @ 1:06 am
By: Babylon Bee
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President Joe Biden was loaded onto a convenient death cart Wednesday despite protests that he was not yet deceased.
Published: Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022 @ 2:11 am
By: Babylon Bee
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Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) confirmed to the media this week that a man accused of kidnapping a 12-year-old girl and holding her hostage, as well as murdering three others, is a previously deported illegal alien who had entered the United States without permission.
Published: Friday, August 19th, 2022 @ 10:22 am
By: Daily Wire
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A family participating in the Alabama Deep Sea Fishing Rodeo got a little more than they bargained for after a gigantic eagle ray hopped in their boat and gave birth to several babies last Friday.
Published: Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022 @ 3:38 am
By: Daily Wire
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