Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.
While every state in the Union is way better than France, each has its upsides and downsides. We at The Babylon Bee have collected for you the biggest pros and cons of living in all fifty of these United States:
Alabama
Pro: Unlikely to be a target in a nuclear attack.
Con: Punishable by death to finish a conversation without saying,
"Roll Tide!"
Alaska
Pro: Beautiful nature and solitude.
Con: Everything in the beautiful nature and solitude is trying to kill you.
Arizona
Pro: It's a dry heat.
Con: The dry heat is 379 degrees Fahrenheit.
Arkansas
Pro: Birthplace of Walmart, also known as
"Not Target".
Con: The Clintons started burying their enemies there.
California
Pro: You can steal anything you want up to $950 and nobody will stop you.
Con: There's no electricity, so you have to do all your stealing in the dark.
Colorado
Pro: The Rockies (mountain range).
Con: The Rockies (baseball team).
Connecticut
Pro: Was the headquarters for ESPN back when it covered sports.
Con: Is still the headquarters for ESPN now that it covers the WNBA.
Delaware
Pro: Endless supply of classified documents everywhere you look.
Con: If you go to the beach, may have to see Joe Biden shirtless.
Florida
Pro: Ron DeSantis.
Con: Donald Trump.
(This list item was paid for by Ron DeSantis for President 2024)
Georgia
Pro: Chick-fil-A.
Con: Everywhere you look, you can't help but see Stacey Abrams.
Hawaii
Pro: Tropical island paradise.
Con: Island can erupt at any moment if sacrifices aren't made to the volcano god.
Idaho
Pro: Incredible fly fishing.
Con: Brian Stelter could turn up at any minute.
Illinois
Pro: One slice of Chicago pizza feeds a family of 5 for a week.
Con: You can't eat the pizza because you have to be in shape to run from mobs. Also, you can't say
"mobs".
Indiana
Pro: Race cars and basketball.
Con: Stray bullets sometimes fly over the border from Chicago.
Iowa
Pro: Tons of beer.
Con: You need to drink tons of beer because you're in Iowa.
Kansas
Pro: Tornadoes don't happen every day.
Con: Tornadoes do happen sometimes and people just live there like it's a normal thing.
Kentucky
Pro: Resting place of Noah's actual ark.
Con: No one can agree on how Louisville is pronounced. This is actually what started the American Civil War.
Louisiana
Pro: Incredible food.
Con: You have just died of diabetes.
Maine
Pro: Lobsters and the world's largest globe.
Con: Stephen King could appear at any moment to lecture you about Trump.
Maryland
Pro: It's not technically Washington, D.C.
Con: Swamp creatures from Washington, D.C. constantly roaming over the southern border.
Massachusetts
Pro: It's the home of the Patriots (a pro for Patriots fans).
Con: It's the home of the Patriots (a con for everyone else in the country).
Michigan
Pro: Everything that's not Detroit.
Con: Detroit.
Minnesota
Pro: Invented by Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Con: All police have been replaced with a giant suggestion box down at City Hall.
Mississippi
Pro: You get to eat lots of delicious food.
Con: The mosquitoes get to eat YOU.
Missouri
Pro: Low cost of living, lots of land, great real estate prices.
Con: You live in Missouri.
Montana
Pro: There's nothing but wide-open land.
Con: No, seriously, there's nothing but wide-open land.
Nebraska
Pro: Vast corn fields with occasional friendly people amongst the corn.
Con: Entire identity still built around being good at football thirty years ago.
