Study Finds Preaching With A Scottish Accent Results In 300% More Salvations | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    OXFORD     A fascinating new study has yielded astounding results, as data indicates preaching the Gospel with a Scottish accent leads to 300% more people being saved. If the findings are correct, it may decisively prove that the Scottish accent is, in fact, God's preferred conduit for preaching.

    "This accent creates the perfect listening environment to hear the good news," said Professor Nigel McGuiness, who led the extensive research. "We experimented with other accents - Romanian, French, Boston - no other dialect showed the ability to bear salvific fruit like the dulcet tones of a Scottish brogue."

    The study, conducted by top theologians at the University of Oxford, concluded that Scottish pastors who receive a degree from the London School of Theology and later lead a congregation in Cleveland, Ohio produce sermons that result in an astounding number of salvations.

    "It may sound like an unusual combination," McGuiness said, "but this ideal mix of origin and education, placed within the barren cultural wasteland of Ohio, somehow makes a potent recipe for the Lord to stir in people's hearts."

    Experts agree that the vast legions of unchurched barbarians roaming the state of Ohio are ripe for a harvest of evangelism. "It makes sense for God to send a Scottish preacher to Ohio," McGuiness concluded. "The accent is perfect for thawing the hardened icy exterior of their hearts."

    At publishing time, the same group of highly respected theologians was in the early stages of a detailed study to examine the possibility that Heaven's angels themselves speak with Scottish accents.