The Bee Presents: A More Realistic Order Of Worship | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    If you've been to church lately, you have probably noticed that the so-called "order of worship" really serves as more of a vague set of suggestions. Here, we present to you a more realistic order of worship, in all its glory:

• 9:00 - Church service begins
• 9:07 - Church service actually begins
• 9:08 - Junior pastor repeats everything that was already written in the bulletin
• 9:10 - Greet your neighbor!
• 9:12 - Expertly-timed arrival of introverts
• 9:13 - Opening song "Good, Good Father"
• 9:33 - "Good, Good Father" mercifully comes to a close
• 9:34 - Hendersons finally show up
• 9:35 - Worship leader announces next song is an original
• 9:40 - Congregation removes earplugs
• 9:40 - Pastor leads prayer while praise band disappears into the ether
• 9:41 - Pastor begins weekly brawl with lapel mic
• 9:43 - Untangled from lapel mic, Pastor nails opening joke
• 9:44 - Mrs. Allen begins unwrapping hard candy
• 9:45 - Sound guy finally remembers to flip the slide from "Good, Good Father"
• 9:46 - Lapel mic crashes. Sound guy awkwardly speed walks to front with hand-held mic, sermon resumes
• 9:50 - Mrs. Allen finishes unwrapping hard candy
• 9:55 - Sermon wraps up with closing prayer, praise band rematerializes from the ether
• 9:56 - Offering baskets passed to collect money from any Dave Ramsey disciples who still carry cash
• 9:59 - Helicopter moms leave to retrieve kids from nursery
• 10:00 - Closing song begins. Sound guy realizes backup singer never had her mic turned on. Decides it was for the best
• 10:05 - Introverts take to flight
• 10:06 - Service ends!

    Now go take our handy order of worship to church, and see if it isn't more accurate than your bulletin!