Musk Announces All Food In Twitter Cafeteria Will Cost $8 | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    SAN FRANCISCO, CA     Twitter CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday he would be opening an exclusive company cafeteria that would sell items for $8.00 each, reversing an earlier policy in which free delicacies were lovingly spooned directly into the mouths of employees by an on-call wait staff.

    "Twitter is losing millions of dollars a day. We can't keep giving away food," Musk said in a company-wide e-mail. "Support your own paycheck by buying the new Musk Meatball Sub in the company cafeteria!"

    Musk's message continued, "I know you can afford 8 bucks for lunch. That's exactly how much you've been paying for fancy coffee drinks every morning ever since I got rid of the barista."

    Employees immediately took to Twitter to disparage the announcement. "He is literally asking us to starve to death," tweeted employee Janelle Misiqua (@manwoman). UPDATE: Janelle Misiqua has been fired.

    "I'm afraid to try the salad," tweeted Client Account Manager Shelley Duvall (@xxxhotdogtown). "It could be anything!" UPDATE: Shelley Duvall has been fired.

    Others have expressed confusion that every item on the menu costs the same. "Why am I paying 8 bucks for lima beans and a pasta dish? It doesn't make any sense," tweeted Director of Accounting Daryl Philbro. UPDATE: Daryl Philbro has been fired.

    Network Admin David D'Angelo (@iamacat), however, posted a contrary opinion. "The Musk meatball sub is chef's kiss," he tweeted. "Well worth the 8 dollars. Would buy again."

    At publishing time, Musk decided to scrap the new cafeteria in favor of watching Twitter employees battle each other for bread in the new Twitter Thunderdome.