Essential Tips For Finding A Spouse At A Christian College | Eastern North Carolina Now

There's only one reason people go to a Christian college: to find a spouse! Don't graduate empty-handed! Follow these tips and snag yourself a godly mate today!

ENCNow
    Publisher's note: This post appears here on BCN with the expressed permission of the Babylon Bee - friends that can find your funny bone in a very dark room.

    There's only one reason people go to a Christian college: to find a spouse! Don't graduate empty-handed! Follow these tips and snag yourself a godly mate today!

    Find a spouse with these handy tips!

    For men:

  1. Pray that God will guide the bouncy ball you're about to chuck so it will hit your future bride: Aim true, Spirit!
  2. Accidentally throw her name into a rendition of 'What A Beautiful Name': She'll be flattered when you put her above God and then touched when you repent.
  3. Put a box and stick trap out with an Amish romance novel as bait: Irresistible.
  4. Lift MacArthur Study Bibles to fill out those scrawny arms: And don't skimp out on leg day! Do squats while extending a Scofield Reference Bible at arm's length.
  5. Diligently work under the employ of her father for seven years and then accidentally marry her sister: It'll be a great story for your grandkids.
  6. Learn 3 chords on the guitar: This will put you above the competition.
  7. Go to the quad and say, "I intend to get a stable job, work hard, and have at least 5 children and also I want chickens" conspicuously loud: Guaranteed to work, so you'd better be willing to follow through.

    For women:

  1. Close your eyes and let the Lord guide your feet to the door of your new spouse: It's just that easy!
  2. Loudly read Proverbs 31 in common areas and then say, "Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there!" when a cute guy walks by: He'll be yours forever.
  3. Wear spikenard that smells of locusts and wild honey: It's what wild men appreciate most.
  4. Sigh wistfully and say, "I wish a man could explain this to me!" while reading your Bible: Then, marry the most correct man - even if he's ugly.
  5. Accidentally brush his hand as you both reach for the froyo machine handle in the cafeteria: He won't be able to think about anything else, least of all froyo.
  6. Weep and cry out in prayer "Have mercy on me, a single!": Then he'll know!
  7. Do not heed the advice of talking serpents: They're always wrong.

Go Back


Leave a Guest Comment

Your Name or Alias
Your Email Address ( your email address will not be published)
Enter Your Comment ( no code or urls allowed, text only please )




Husband’s Instagram Account Exists Solely To Post About His Wife On Her Birthday Babylon Bee, Editorials, Op-Ed & Politics To Raise Breast Cancer Awareness, Rainn Wilson Legally Changes Name To 'Booby McBoobface'


HbAD0

Latest Op-Ed & Politics

Vice President Kamala Harris’ husband, Doug Emhoff, admitted that he cheated on his first wife with the couple’s babysitter after a report was published on Saturday that said the marriage ended after he got the babysitter pregnant.
A black Georgia activist became the center of attention at a rally for former president Donald Trump on Saturday when she riled the crowd in support of Trump and how his policies benefit black Americans.
Former President has been indicted by a federal judge in Pennsylvania for inciting an assassination attempt that nearly killed him.
A federal judge ruled on Monday that Google has a monopoly over general search engine services, siding with the Justice Department and more than two dozen states that sued the tech company, alleging antitrust violations.
3 debates and Twitter interview
If we vote the way we have always voted we will get the kind of government we have always gotten
Check it out and see if you think this is an exhibit of Open Government

HbAD1

Acting U.S. Secret Service Director Ronald Rowe told reporters on Friday that his agency was fully responsible for the assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump last month and that the agency “should have had eyes” on the roof where 20-year-old Thomas Matthew Crooks.
Smartmatic was at center of voting machine controversy in US 2020 election
If we vote the way we have always voted we will get the kind of government we have always gotten
Shooter was identified on the roof with a weapon with enough time to stop him...but, officers were not prepared to access the roof

HbAD2

President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris faced backlash Thursday afternoon over what they told Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu during a call.
while Biden-Harris tries to force it down the throat of American schools
blasts what Democrat supermajority is doing to the state
RALEIGH: Tropical Storm Debby continues to bring heavy rain and flooding across North Carolina on Thursday.
The bomb that killed Ismail Haniyeh, the top leader of Hamas, in Iran early Wednesday was planted several weeks ago, according to a new report.
opens Minnesota to child genital multiation and pedophilia; will seek same in nation

HbAD3

 
Back to Top