Lt. Dilbert's Monkey by Gerald O'Hara | Eastern North Carolina Now

    Am I allowed to have a favorite Vietnam Story? Allowed or not, this is my favorite. You may think it is too long but it's not. It's perfect & it's absolutely true, except I changed names of the people involved. I am not sure why I changed names but I did. They really probably want their names used because they were part of Vietnam Funny History. People ought to strive to be a part of Funny.

Lt. Dilbert's Monkey by Gerald O'Hara

    When I arrived in country I was as wet behind the ears as anyone could be. I didn't know that much about this man's Army but I noticed something was wrong when I reported to the 57th Medical Detachment. I didn't know that much about insignia and all of that but after going through medical training at Ft. Sam Houston, Texas, I did know that the MSC insignia looked like. After reporting I noticed that all of the officers wore the caduceus of the MSC Corps. That is all but one. His name was Lt. Ulysses Dilbert. The officers called him Grant. Of course, I referred to him as SIR. Lt. Dilbert, was the type of individual that seemed to enjoy life. He was always joking around and had an air of confidence that would be hard to match, let alone exceed. I will give him this; he was one hell of a pilot. On his collar was the insignia of an Infantry Officer. I recall him telling all of the other officers that this is how we do this and how we do that in the Infantry. His present assignment, at the 57th, was as the Maintenance Officer. I do not know how Grant got misplaced, but all in all I think that he enjoyed being with the 57th.

    Those of you that think that you knew me really did not. At the Dustoff Reunion I got into my philosophy of the Army with Bufort Phillips and Larry Pocket. They are aware of the fact that I looked at my duty in Vietnam with great pride. I was sent to Vietnam to perform a duty. That duty was as a medic. In short to patch up the sick & wounded and, on occasion, actually save a life. I took this part of my duty very seriously. As for the rest of it...Well let's just say that it took SSG Butler the better part of a year to, almost, figure out why I was never in the area when he had one of his shit details. Whenever one of them came up, I was downtown on an errant for one or more of the officers. When SSG Butler left he told SP4 Rhett, "You know everyone thinks O'Hara is so dumb. Hell, he's one of the smartest persons I have ever met. I've never seen anyone get out of work the way he does."

    This now brings us up to Lt. Dilbert and his monkey. It seems as though Lt. Dilbert went into Saigon one night and really tied one on. The next morning when he arrived at the Operations Shack, he looked like warmed over death. I believe he made a statement to the effect of never drinking again for the rest of his life. Anyway he seemed very anxious to talk to SP5 Spitz. Now, those of you that have ever known SP5 Spitz knew that he could find anything and that he was pretty handy with a hammer and saw. I watched, out of curiosity as Lt. Dilbert drew a diagram of something for Spitz. Within two days Waldo Spitz had constructed a beautiful cage. For those of you that did not serve in the Old Brown Boot Army (that's the 57th in early to mid 1964), will not know this fact. The area between the Maintenance and Supply Shacks was vacant. There wasn't anything there (no building). This is where Waldo constructed this beautiful cage. It was approx. 4-5 feet wide and about 8 feet in length and about 6 foot tall. It was a work of art. Still do not know where Waldo got the materials. Like I said he could come up with just about anything you wanted.

    Before the construction was over, everyone knew that the cage was for Lt. Dilbert's monkey. It seems that on that infamous night of drinking Lt. Dilbert had bought a monkey. I thought that the monkey was cute, but that was to change.

    Just before Waldo finished the cage, Lt. Dilbert called me over to his desk. His exact words to me were, "O'Hara it is going to be your responsibility to take care of the Monkey. That duty will include feeding him and cleaning his cage." I thought about it for a moment and then I told him that I didn't recall anything in my job description about taking care of primates. He grabbed my sleeve and at the same time grabbed his collar showing me his Lieutenant bars. Of course as a PVT E-2, I had nothing on my sleeve so his point was understood. For the next few days I performed my duties (Monkey Keeper) as instructed. Each day I hated that monkey more than the day before. It kept me up at nights trying to figure out how I could get out of that F-----G assignment. THEN IT CAME TO ME!

    From that day on when we arrived at the flight line for morning Roll Call, I would walk through the Orderly Shack. Back then there was an open area in the rear of the shack. That is to say that there wasn't an office in the rear right hand corner across from the CO's office. In this open area there was a table with a coffee pot and right before you went out back, there was a water cooler. It was simple, just before opening the back door, I would get a cup of Ice Cold Water and when I went through the door, I would let the monkey have it. It only took the monkey a day or two; at the most, to realize that when he saw me he was going to get a bath. After a few days of this, the monkey wouldn't let me get within eyesight of him.

    I went to Lt. Dilbert and told him that I loved the Monkey, but that he, the Monkey, would not let me get near him. I recall Lt. Dilbert's words exactly, he said, "O'Hara you're not getting out of it that easily." I suggested that we go outback so that he could see for himself, that I was telling the truth. When we went outback I let Lt. Dilbert go first. This way I would be coming through the door by myself. When I opened the door and the monkey saw me, he went "ape" (excuse the pun). Lt. Dilbert couldn't figure it out. He said something to the effect that the monkey was so friendly, calm, etc. I suggested that perhaps it was my after-shave or something.

    I do not remember whom Lt. Dilbert strapped with the Monkey assignment, I think it was Stanley, but I'm not sure.

    About 3-4 days after I was relieved of my monkey duties, Major Morgan told me to grab my gear because there was a Maintenance Flight. Major Riley required that all flights would go up with a full crew, even Maintenance Flights.

    I went out to the flight line to prepare the ship and in a short while Lt. Dilbert and the other pilot pulled up in a jeep. I was surprised to see that we had an additional passenger. On Lt. Dilbert's shoulder there was the monkey. He had a collar and a short leash. Lt. Dilbert cranked up the ship and we took off. He was taking the ship through its paces and everything was checking out all right. Then he suddenly took the ship from about 500 feet to about 6,000 feet and then leveled off. We were flying that course for a few minutes and everything was fine. All of a sudden we hit an air pocket! We dropped down to about 1,000 feet in a matter of a few microseconds. (In twenty months of flying I never got used to air pockets. Every time it happened, I thought that my stomach was going to come out of my mouth).

    When I regained my composure, I turned around to look at the pilots. Actually I turned around because I heard a lot of commotion up front. It sounded like a lot of cussing to me. When I saw what had happened, I damned near died. What I saw was the monkey hanging from the roof of the ship, not only was he screaming, he was emptying his bowels and throwing up all over Lt. Dilbert. I swear they must have heard me laughing all the way back at Ton Son Nhut.

    Needless to say the flight was cut short. When we landed back at the pad, Lt. Dilbert bolted out of the ship and immediately got in my face. He said, "O'Hara you think that was that funny???" To be truthful, I didn't mind cleaning up the ship; as a matter of fact I laughed the entire time, while removing monkey feces, vomit, etc.

    The next day we reported to the flight line and as I walked through the back door, I noticed that the monkey was gone. I never had the nerve to ask Lt. Dilbert what happened to him. I'd like to think that he set him free.

    I loved that monkey.