Published: Tuesday, February 1st, 2011 @ 4:43 pm
By: Brandia Deatherage   ( More Entries )
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    Three months ago, Beaufort County Now published a selection of jokes by the "king of deadpan," Steven Wright. Wright delivers disturbingly bizarre dialogue, with no emotion, in the style of Christopher Walken, Bill Murray and, sometimes, even Seinfeld. A second selection is past due. Enjoy!

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I was born by Cesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright, I was still inside.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I don't like dogs... Keep getting mustard on my catcher's mit.

Of course, Steven Wright jokes are funny to read; but they're even funnier to hear first-hand.